Neonomicon

Neonomicon by Alan Moore  174 pp.

This is an interesting, if gory, graphic novel that uses the mythology created by H.P. Lovecraft as an underlying theme. A strange collection of serial murders/mutilations are being investigated by the FBI after one of their star agents goes from being investigator to murderer. What they find is an underworld of sex, drugs, violence, and otherworldly creatures all connected to the writings of Lovecraft. It is creepy and extremely violent and the artwork by Jacen Burrows enhances the darkness of the story. This is not a book for the squeamish. The only problem I had with it is that I haven't read Lovecraft in about thirty years and I feel the need to go back and re-read his stories to really understand the connections.

.....Fifty Shades of Grey/E.L. James

Fifty Shades of Grey; E.L. James, erotic Twilight fanfiction that became a bestseller by some miracle; 15 pages

I'm listing this in my blog count as 15 pages because that's how much of the book I was able to read before I threw it across the room. (It landed on my yoga mat, no damage to library items was incurred)
I'd skimmed through it beforehand, looking for all these sex scenes that were supposedly SO racy and kinky and whatnot and nothing I saw seemed that interesting, to be honest!

And then I started trying to actually read the book from the beginning and THESE CHARACTERS ARE SO BORING. I don't care about them! I don't care about their relationship, and I certainly don't care about them enough to slog through the rest of this drivel to read about their supposedly hot sex.

Spoiler alert: This book is so boring. The people are boring. The whole meet-cute is boring. The sex is boring. I'm trying really really really REALLY hard not to begrudge anyone their choices in entertainment reading but I just literally cannot conceive of how anyone would find this book in any way good. This heroine has such low self-esteem! Her mysterious cold powerful partner is so full of secrets! Is the secret that he has passionate feelings but is unable to express them in an open and emotionally healthy manner? I BET THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

It has all the oppressive, sexist, creepy stalker abusive relationship themes of Twilight, but this time it's not couched in any vampire metaphors. So...hooray? Wait. No. Not hooray at all. People can read whatever they want but I'm sorry, I can't help looking a little askance when someone is really excited about reading this one. DOES NOT COMPUTE.

I think I'm starting to talk myself in circles. Really I'm wishing I had never tried to read it in the first place! but alas, my morbid curiosity. Sigh. 

A Clash of Kings/George R.R. Martin

A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin high fantasy, conflict, war, faction violence, adult content, greatest books ever 784 pages

This is going to be an extremely hard book to blog about only because I don't want to reveal any plot details to those of you unenlightened enough to not take my advice and start reading the greatest series ever written-- "A Song of Ice & Fire" by George R.R. Martin. A Clash of Kings, the second installment after the absolute thrillride that was Martin's premiere novel "A Game of Thrones" continued Martin's stellar literary trend and even improved upon it. As one can tell from the title, the basic premise deals with the political unrest that occurs when a unified ruler dies unexpectedly and multiple potential heirs to the throne with varying levels of support all vie for power.

Any of Martin's characters who were lucky enough to survive the first book are back for the second and we even get to meet a few new ones such as the iron-willed and adamantly religious Stannis Baratheon or the smuggler-turned-privateer Davos Seaworth. Martin's characters have the ability to make you love them and loathe them at different points in the story, but they will doubtlessly elicit some form of emotion from you. Another thing that makes this book so great is that the faction ambiguity is even more present. While there are some 100% evil characters, it is impossible to hate all of the characters within one faction because you'll find yourself with favorites in each.

I won't say much more about this book other than read it yourself because you will not be disappointed

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea/ Chelsea Handler

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler mayhem, sexcapades, humor, alcohol/drug use, adult 272 pages

After reading Handler's breakout hit "My Horizontal Life," I had expected the next Chelsea Handler book to be more of the same. I enjoyed her no-nonsense partying stories and her unique outlook on the world around her. Honestly, though, I did not enjoy this book as much as the first (although I do have to give Handler credit, the title is AWESOME).

My biggest problem with Handler's book is a problem that occurs to anyone who professionally specializes in mayhem such as Handler or her male counterpart Tucker Max--- Their fame catches up to them. Once when they were just ordinary people, they found themselves in such hilarious and crazy situations that you knew they weren't made up because even the sickest person couldn't dream up some of their debacles. Once you become famous by writing a best-selling book on your exploits (and get your own TV show in Handler's case), such ridiculousness becomes more Hollywood. The guys Chelsea sleep with at this point know her through the business and know who she is and what she's famous for. She balances embarrassing herself and her roommate on a cruise ship with chatting up her agent about a TV gig. It all seems a little sold-out to me. This inevitably happens to people like Handler, but she should've taken a page out of Tucker Max's book and saved some of her pre-fame stories for a possible follow-up novel.

I will say that there is one story in the book that meets the expectations of the first book and even rockets past them. This story involves Handler's first and only DUI one week after her 21st birthday and a subsequent trip to a women's prison. I don't want to reveal any more than that, but it is one story that will leave you laughing so hard that you're crying a little.

Quality of her stories aside, Handler is an excellent storyteller, and I believe her storytelling style is what makes the books so good. She could have a story about a phonebook and make it interesting (probably by lying, but still). Handler does have a third book "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang," and while I am hoping that it is as good as the first, my gut tells me it'll be more like the second...either way, Handler's good enough that I owe it to myself to give it a try.

Locke & Key Volume 2: Head Games/ Joe Hill

Locke & Key Volume 2: Head Games by Joe Hill graphic literature, horror, supernatural, adult content 160 pages

Even though this book is a graphic novel and an 160 page graphic novel at that, I still find it quite an accomplishment that I finished this book in one shift at the library. Maybe this is a testament to my speed reading skills, maybe this is a revelation that I don't actually do any work at the library and just read all day. While these are both possibilities, I think the best possibility is that Joe Hill knows how to right one compelling story.

I'll admit, this whole "haunted mansion with doors that manipulate the people who unlock them" storyline is STILL lame, but Hill manages to still make me want to know what happens next regardless of this weak premise. The one thing that I have to comment on that kind of bothers me story-wise is that Hill is ADDICTED to foreshadowing. Everything that is going to happen later in the book is foreshadowed either through an image or through exposition. It seems super predictable, but also, since I read it all in a short period, it may have been easier for me to make some of the less-than-obvious predictions.

The artwork is still amazing, and the unnamed party who recommended this series to me made sure to tell me that I failed to name the artist responsible in my last post. His name is Gabriel Rodriguez. My failure to mention his name last time does not mean that I think Hill drew every frame himself, I just tend to give a lot more credit to the writer/creator (i'm an English major, give me a break here...)

The last thing I really want to praise is that Hill manages to make even his most minor characters connect with every other character in the series. To some, these coincidences may be annoying and unrealistic, but it's a freaking comic book, people...get over it. I actually like these connections and can't wait to see more of them.

Annie...you will never be cool, no matter how good this series gets

Locke & Key Volume 1: Welcome to Lovecraft/Joe Hill

Locke & Key Volume 1: Welcome to Lovecraft by Joe Hill graphic novel, supernatural, horror, adult themes 163 pages

I am really torn on this graphic novel, because although I loved it, it was recommended to me by a less-than-reliable party and admitting that they-who-will-not-be-named was right is difficult for me. If I were to momentarily cast my pride aside for this blog entry, however, I would have nothing but good things to say about Joe Hill's horrifying first entry in his Locke & Key series.

First of all, this ain't your little brother's comic book. There are multiple scenes in this story with content not suitable for younger audiences. The violence is extremely graphic and even the jokes tend to lean towards an adult audience....and that may be what I like about it. Granted, I wouldn't want to read one of these in public, because a look at any one of Hill's vividly drawn spreads of graphic violence is enough to scare away even the bravest onlooker, but let's be honest here...most people who read graphic novels do so privately to avoid become some sort of social pariah.

The idea of a house that has a bunch of supernaturally powered doors with special powers may seem totally lame, but bear with it, because the story actually draws even the most skeptical reader in. The end certainly leaves enough to look forward to, which is why i'm hoping volume 2 comes in for me soon.

Finally, I need to comment on the fact that the detailed, glossy, full-colored drawings are amazing!!! Even when it's a picture of a corpse or a demented killer beating someone with a brick, the drawings are absolutely beautiful and failing to comment on them would be criminal.