Negotiating the Nonnegotiable

Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts, by Daniel Shapiro, © 2016, 319 pages

There have been many books written recently documenting our current level of intense polarization across the United States and elsewhere, highlighting the growing increase in an ever-present state of conflict, but few books written with the sole intention of providing us with the tools needed to navigate, defuse and otherwise deescalate some of those conflicts. Negotiating the Nonnegotiable does just that. 

Daniel Shapiro, founder and director of the Harvard International Negotiating program, lays out a fundamental text for anyone interested in how to get beyond conflict, how to bridge the gap between individuals and groups, and how to think about conflict from a birds-eye perspective. And this author has the credentials. This is not some feel-good, self-help book--Shapiro has launched conflict resolution initiatives across the globe. 

He starts off by identifying what he calls "the Tribes effect," showcasing the subtle ways our identity is shaped by our surroundings and the social groups with which we become aligned. Shapiro then writes of the different ways the tribal mindset sabotages our faculties and essentially our abilities to think critically and objectively about a conflict. One of those ways I found fascinating was what he refers to as vertigo. Have you ever been so mad at another person during an argument that all you can see is the color red? That's vertigo. It's a state we find ourselves in during a conflict when we feel our identity is under threat. It affects us outside our awareness, makes us fixate on negatives, and diminishes our capacity to self reflect. Shapiro provides the reader with strategies that improve self-awareness during conflicts so that we be forward-thinking about what exactly is at stake and what our main objectives are. 

This book is not a political book but focuses on  resolving conflict between any kind of relationship--political or personal, groups or individuals, everything in-between.  If you've ever had a disagreement with a family member and you felt that there was no getting over it, this may be a good start to learning how to bridge the gap. Check out this video to get a sense of what this book is about: https://youtu.be/PBkDdWzXTO0

Recommended for adults interested in social science, psychology, conflict resolution and improving relationships.